Learning

I think sometimes at some point everyone has felt like they want to run and never stop, dissappear, vanish not for ever but for a little while.  But you don't, you can't people need you they rely on you and life needs you no matter how little and insignificant you feel at times. It's a lesson a journey not an outcome you may never find utopia or be at the top of the triangle. You may never make the money you wanted, buy the house you want, but life shuts doors and opens others. Sometimes its a window and you spend so long looking for the door you miss the window but there is always a way, a path. And no matter how old you are or how much experienced you have gained you will never be an A student in life. And that is the great thing that the journey may be long and tedious at times and sore and uncomfortable and disappointing but you never stop learning you get wiser, you never get a second chance at life but you learn you keep learning and growing. 

People are sometimes a let down and confusingly you sometimes hurt the ones you love the most the worse, sometimes you trip 2,3 maybe 4 times but you get up you try again and you learn you learnt. You learnt that next time you fall you can get up you can beat it. You learn that you can't hold everyone up forever and sometimes its okay not be strong enough. Sometimes you need to be held up and its not a sign of weakness its a sign of realness and being human and being able to trust someone to hold you up when you are vulnerable, weak. You grow closer together. You learn to forgive and its not always easy but you learn that you can. You learn that when you love you put your heart on the line and the line may not be very long or strong but the feeling of true love is worth the risk. You learn that risks are necessary to learn and grow. Sometimes you make the same mistakes twice, and some lessons you are taught over because you never got it. You learn that you are no one to play with other peoples heart and that you will, at some point, be heart broken somewhere in life you will be heart broken. In love you will get your heart broken by someone you love a partner, a friend, a family member peoples hearts break in different ways but hurt is hurt and everyone has felt it. Everyone. And I am learning still learning, I have figured out what I want, what is important to me and who I would risk it all to protect love and support.

Affective State of Consciousness

Life is not fair life is sick and hard and unfair and cruel and you never understand it. Ever. How do you wrap your head around it? How do you make sense of it, how did you not see it coming? How did you not help. How do you forgive life for it. How do you forgive them?! How can we forgive you Raq? Can we? 


I don't want to be angry I just want to be happy when I think of you and I want to laugh at the memories, but I can't now. When I think of you now, I feel sick deeply, intensely, to the bone, sick. I can't think of you without being so angry, how were you so selfish, we could have helped you through it. You had so many people who would have helped you through it. I don't understand any of it.  You took a piece of all of us away when you left. You chose to leave it was not your choice to make. It was not your right to take your life. You didn't have the right to decide your time was up. Why did you do it why why did you do that to everyone?! I don't want to be angry with you. I don't I want to take it away. I am numb and angry and confused and sore and hurt and angry at you. 


Why didn't you hold on long enough for one of us to catch you. I cry to this song, these words, every time. It hurts, so so much. God Bless you Raq, always and forever. We will spend everyday for the rest of our lives missing you. You were too much for this world, she couldn't handle you. I hope you found your peace.

Delicately Beautiful

So many things in life are delicate. Relationships with people. Nurture them always.