20 June 2010

Affective State of Consciousness

Life is not fair life is sick and hard and unfair and cruel and you never understand it. Ever. How do you wrap your head around it? How do you make sense of it, how did you not see it coming? How did you not help. How do you forgive life for it. How do you forgive them?! How can we forgive you Raq? Can we? 

I don't want to be angry I just want to be happy when I think of you and I want to laugh at the memories, but I can't now. When I think of you now, I feel sick deeply, intensely, to the bone, sick. I can't think of you without being so angry, how were you so selfish, we could have helped you through it. You had so many people who would have helped you through it. I don't understand any of it.  You took a piece of all of us away when you left. You chose to leave it was not your choice to make. It was not your right to take your life. You didn't have the right to decide your time was up. Why did you do it why why did you do that to everyone?! I don't want to be angry with you. I don't I want to take it away. I am numb and angry and confused and sore and hurt and angry at you. 

Why didn't you hold on long enough for one of us to catch you. I cry to this song, these words, every time. It hurts, so so much. God Bless you Raq, always and forever. We will spend everyday for the rest of our lives missing you. You were too much for this world, she couldn't handle you. I hope you found your peace.

17 June 2010

Delicately Beautiful

So many things in life are delicate. Relationships with people. Nurture them always.

8 June 2010


Love. What a funny thing. It is a four letter word that makes girls go crazy and boys run for the hills. It is a word that makes a relationship go to the 'next step', it brings reassurance, confidence and happiness to those it touches. Well, I don't know if it's the ideals and dreams that is put into your head as a little girl as you lie in bed wide eyed open minded searching for questions and answers from the pretty pink glittery coloured books your mother read to you. About a Knight in Shining Armour slaying the dragon or the hero who saved her from the tower or from the witch or from the spell. So many versions and stories or, if it's Daddy calling you his 'little princess' while you giggle, plastic crown cockered, sliding off your little braided haired head, as Daddy gathers you up in his arms.  Or if its the war stories Granny told you about how love finds its way or if its the psychological bull shit that is fed through feel good chick flicks which make every one want to fall in love but, the movies end where they do for a reason. Before reality strikes. Before your dreams and years of mental propaganda on the ideals, rules, steps and feelings of love. Maybe every little girl dreams of her Prince Charming while laying in bed at night, building him up into her head. So who do you blame for heart ache and pain?! Do you blame the person that, in some cases you share years with, children with, houses with, even grand children with. Do you blame them, or do you blame your naive youth and misconception about the world and its 'love' and societies 'love' or yourself for falling for the movie lines and black and white pictures lined up on your grandparents mantel piece.  Or do you blame them all. I was a little girl once. With those thoughts, dreams, ideals and 'fairy-tales', they're called that for a reason, fairies do not exist and tales well, they speak for themselves. I went that route, came out unsuccessful, dreams shattered thoughts confused, ideals lost. But you learn my tale took a little long because I guess when something is meant to be the way you expect and it doesn't go that way- you are confused. So your heart, it speaks the truth,- feel. Do not think. Feel. Because love is a feeling not a thought it is not analytical, sensible, intelligent, it just is.... Love, a simple word, it is a feeling, it is an emotion but there are no rules or guide books or people who study for years and charge money to find problems, which probably are there for a reason. No one can fix your love or break your love. Love is simply as the dictionary puts it-  passionate affection for another person. It is not fire works, confetti, weak knees, 'popping' kisses, google-eyed. Love is unique, your love is different to my love, my love is different to the next. Love is fire and passion and love is being able to hate and fight with as much passion as you 'love' (verb) with. Love is sometimes shit and love is sometimes an ass hole and a bitch and love sometimes makes you say things you don't mean, horrible things to the person who is suppose to own yours, love is not always nice and easy and simple and 'happily ever after' love is sometimes a big dick which fucks you over and leaves marks in places that feel like they do not heal. But they do. Love is dramatic, love is selfish and love is unreasonable and yeah love can be greedy too.  Love is sometimes having to stand down, and give in. And let go, love.is.sometimes.having. to.let.go. So while the memories and tales that have been with me in my head for years sound lovely and easy and pretty, it is not love.  So to everyone who finds love in there lives, in whatever form or intensity. Find true love. Find real. Passionate. Fire burning love. Find true love. And realise it when you do. Because that is only when love never fails!

7 June 2010

Today's Addiction

Two great songs to feed today's fix.