20 June 2010

Affective State of Consciousness

Life is not fair life is sick and hard and unfair and cruel and you never understand it. Ever. How do you wrap your head around it? How do you make sense of it, how did you not see it coming? How did you not help. How do you forgive life for it. How do you forgive them?! How can we forgive you Raq? Can we? 

I don't want to be angry I just want to be happy when I think of you and I want to laugh at the memories, but I can't now. When I think of you now, I feel sick deeply, intensely, to the bone, sick. I can't think of you without being so angry, how were you so selfish, we could have helped you through it. You had so many people who would have helped you through it. I don't understand any of it.  You took a piece of all of us away when you left. You chose to leave it was not your choice to make. It was not your right to take your life. You didn't have the right to decide your time was up. Why did you do it why why did you do that to everyone?! I don't want to be angry with you. I don't I want to take it away. I am numb and angry and confused and sore and hurt and angry at you. 

Why didn't you hold on long enough for one of us to catch you. I cry to this song, these words, every time. It hurts, so so much. God Bless you Raq, always and forever. We will spend everyday for the rest of our lives missing you. You were too much for this world, she couldn't handle you. I hope you found your peace.

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