Heart of my heart

So I am sure everyone at some point has been in a situation or instance in life when you felt something be it happiness or sadness or love or jealousy or rage. You felt an emotion or thoughts so deeply however it seemed impossible to express. Well this if how I felt when I sat back and tried to express, somehow, to my sister on her 21st, just how much she means to me. I scratched my head and tried to figure out what and how to say what I felt in my heart. So here it is, everything I could possibly try and say to her but never found a way of releasing it until I finally put pen to paper. 

You would have been too tiny to ever recall

The day I sat by your side and promised my all

The things I promised you on the day you were born

A list of promises on my life I had sworn

I was the little age of no more than three

when I realised what my reason on earth would be­

You were the most precious thing I’d ever hold in my hands

And I promised the world by you I’d always stand

I promised that with my every single breath

I would be there to protect you until my death

I promised that no one would take you away

And I promised on my life on that special day

That the tiny bundle of joy in my hand I did hold

I would treasure forever more than diamonds or gold

Because no one single person who walked this earth

would ever deserve or understand just what you are worth

because to me, you see, you were my world

The reason I breathed as over my fingers yours curled

And from then I knew, even though you no word you could utter

That our hearts understood what my mouth did mutter

And I promised, as side by side were grew up bigger,

Just me and my baby sister together forever,

That no body could hurt you, just let them try

For it’s always killed me to see my baby sister cry

And as Batman had Robin, and Sonny had Cher

everywhere that you went I was always there

And as Bonnie had Clyde and Adam had Eve

you were made for greatness, in you I always believe

It’s been so many years so many ups and downs

So many tears and laughter confusion and frowns

And when we didn’t agree on one thing or another

I know sometimes you wish that you’d had a brother

But I know that wishing was driven by rage

Because you my world grow better with age

We’ve had our fights and screaming matches

The tantrums, the boys, the kissing catchers

But together we always stood extra tall

Hand in hand, with you as my all

And little sister you lost and your heart did break

I tried to make a deal with God to not let it ache

He said to me that he had to let you learn

that heartache will come before happiness returns

and I said I would do whatever it takes

and I begged him not to let my sisters heart break

And although that time I couldn’t take it away

I was holding your hand every step of the way

So when you’re lonely and lost and feeling confused

When you’re hurting and aching and your is heart bruised

I’ll dust off your knees and pick up the pieces

I’ll hold you closer and iron out the creases

I’ll kiss your cheeks and wipe away all your tears

I’ll whisper you secrets to abolish your fears

Because today's your day you turn 21

You’ll be given a key, your life has begun

no mountains too high nor rivers too wide

nothing will happen to you, with me by your side

Together we’ll take on mountains and stars

And I’d let you go but I’d never be far

Because now you are old enough to understand

I’ll be close behind but I must let go of your hand

You are the reason I take every breath

and the thing I’ll love most until my death

So I want you to remember every single day

that I’ve promised to be there every step of the way

Love letters

-Tammy Bell

I am not one to celebrate Valentines day it is a load of horse shit if you ask me. I spent the night with my parents. It is their 25th anniversary. 25th! Madness! I got to thinking what happened to 'love'? Like serious, mad, everlasting, till death do us part love? People have changed, society has changed, women are empowered and it is career before a family, don't get me wrong it is great it really is, but love seems to have fucked right off this planet. 


People get married, to get divorced, to get prenups, to get their share. What happened to mad head-over-heals-no-one-else-in-the-world-matters-other-than-your-one love? Women don't care, men pay little respect so every one sleeps around looking for fulfillment, meaning, depth, some people have one night stands more meaningful than some of the relationships out there. Old war time pictures, I think that is the key. I think some of those images hold the extent to what a love could be like. It really is quite dooming. I think- my parents have been together for 31 years, married for 25. It is almost like the whole world should stop and recognize these people, this is Oscar worthy, this commitment, still madly deeply in love. 


My life, what ever I achieve or what ever I do means nothing. I want to die in love, I want my very last thought on this earth to be in love, it is amazing how not having someones's trust breaks a spirit. Tarnishes a soul. But it is also beautiful to see what happens when people let go when you fall together. I want to feel fulfilled and know in the depths of my being I loved to my death, with complexity, because at the end of 'your' day you don't take anything with you. I'd cherish that. I'd like that to my death. Maybe I'm a little romantic. Maybe it's all the true love around me. Maybe it's me going mental. I don't know but I do know that if one man can commit to one woman, and visa versa, for so many years then there is hope yet. A little country for this emotive state. Love me, wholly, because not everything about me is beautiful I have my scars, my discretions, but love all of me my black marks too?! This is why I hate Valentine's Day really gets me thinking.

A Marvelous Imaginary Realm.

As the darkness decends on your once saved soul,

you go back to a place which I’ll never know.

You once were an innocent little girl, in Daddy's oyster you were the pearl.

You had it all on a tray, everything you could've wished for, but then you strayed.

Your road did fork like many do, but you chose the path not right for you.

You chose a path of no return, now in your own hell your soul will burn.

You crush and hurt those who care, then curl in a ball and cry in despair.

Just like Alice you fell in a hole, and the further you go you lose more control.

Will you ever rise above it all, or will you do again, will you just fall?

Was it everything you wished, as you soared through the sky, 

chasing the Dragon while we said goodbye.

So many have helped you, so many have tried but they’ve all washed their hands, their knots they've untied.

Now they lie on the floor broken and alone, the people you left, while you sit on your throne.

You got what you want you’re Queen of it all, but as quick as you rose is as quick as you’ll fall.

You were lead by stardust inticed and controlled, and unto the devil your soul you have sold.

You’ve reached a point of no return you break Daddy's heart and Mommy still yearns,

she yearns for her princess who can not be saved,

while YOUR knight in shining armour leads you to your grave.

An Instance of this

It is crazy we are coming up to one year. You've been on my mind a lot lately. I want to know how you are, if you are happy, if you are lonely, and I would still like to know why you, you must know by now, why you were taken away and why when you left a lot of people lost a lot of themselves. You had this heart, which was just so big and loving and caring and trustworthy and you just had too much love to give everyone, too much love,  even when you hurt you found it in you to forgive and to love again. You were an inspiration to all who crossed your path, all who you touched, thank you for joining mine for so long and for leaving your footprints on my journey. Your presence is something i miss every single time I think about you. How your smile lit up any room and every one loved having you around because you just made every one so happy without even knowing or trying. I still battle to find the words most times, in fact I have been looking for them for a year and I am still no closer, feels like apart of me is still holding my breathe to wake up.  Seb, you are missed to every one who was blessed to know you.  I will be thinking about you a lot the next few days. Loving you always, you were our own living breathing James Dean, too much for this world she never quite knew what to do with you or how to handle your capacity. She couldn't take you or place you or show you. You showed her. I miss you my boy every day. Watch us all, and keep spreading your love. I could do with some of it now. Thank you for the memories Tamatie and for the smile that's still etched in my thoughts of you. God bless you Sebastien. Here is what I wrote to you a year ago. It still stands. Every. Single. Word.

As the sun rises to bring another day alive
I cant help but feel what I'm feeling inside
And I am so angry you never, you never survived
You were always the one who made people smile
And as the sun hits the ocean i forget life awhile
And I'm taken to a place where there's no today or tomorrow
A place so far away you don't feel any sorrow
A place where your smile move mountains and stars
And every song in my heart is played by your guitar

And then all of a sudden its gets very dark
And the truth and reality hits me so hard.
I feel like someone is squeezing my chest
So hard that it feels like I'm loosing my breath
I shake, my heart races, from this anxiety attack
It's real, your gone, and you're never coming back
Tears fill my eyes every time this occurs
And I search for answers which are all just blurs

Why, oh why, dear God did you take him away
He meant so much to everyone and they all feel this way
He had so much to do and so much to achieve
And he was the guy who epitomized 'Wear your heart on your sleeve'

There are so many feelings so much emotion inside
Anger and hate and confusion with tears cried
You have no idea how many hearts you touched,
How much your brought to each, and everyone of us

But life is a story with a begin and end
And we never quite know whats just around its' bend
No one really knows how long their book lasts
But only that there is an end, and there's a start
Yours was a great, huge, epic story which ran out of words and ended too shorty

Now as life moves on and time creeps by
We'll still think of you and probably still cry
They say that time heals, and it's going to be okay
But I still ask the question "Who are they'?"
They are people who have never lost
Cause we will still miss you at every cost
And I still can't believe, believe that you're gone
It's been over a month and it still feels wrong

But just so you know we'll never forget
All the memories we'll treasure without getting upset
So this is the final, the final goodbye
And every time we think of you we'll look at the sky
And as the wind blows and the sun rises and sets
There's no point being angry no point being upset
Because with the wind at our back and the sun on our face
We all know you've gone to a much better place

So our heads we'll lift and our eyes we'll dry
And we'll all meet again in that place in the sky
But until then we'll love you forever
And we'll think of your spirit and try to endeavor

-Tammy Bell

A marvelous imaginary realm.

As the darkness decends on your once saved soul, you go back to a place
which i'll never know.
You once were an innocent little girl, in daddys oyster you were the pearl.
You had it all on a tray, your life was great but then you stray.
Your road did fork like many do, but you chose the path not right for you.
You chose a path of no return, now in your own hell your soul will burn.


You crush and hurt those who care, then curl in a ball and cry in despair.
Just like Alice you fell in a hole, and the further you go you lose more control.
Will you ever rise above it all, or will you do again, will you just fall?


Was it everything you wished, as you soared through
the sky chasing the Dragon while we said goodbye.
So many have helped you, so many have tried but they've all washed their hands, their knots they've untied.
Now they lie on the floor broken and alone, the people you left, while you sit on your throne.
You got what you want. Now you're Queen of it all, but as quick as you rose is as quick as you'll fall.
You were lead by stardust inticed and controlled, and unto the devil your soul you have sold.
You've reached a point of no return you break Daddys heart and Mommy still yearns,


she yearns for her princess who can not be saved,
while YOUR knight in shining armour leads you to your grave.

-Tammy Bell