Affective State of Consciousness

Life is not fair life is sick and hard and unfair and cruel and you never understand it. Ever. How do you wrap your head around it? How do you make sense of it, how did you not see it coming? How did you not help. How do you forgive life for it. How do you forgive them?! How can we forgive you Raq? Can we? 


I don't want to be angry I just want to be happy when I think of you and I want to laugh at the memories, but I can't now. When I think of you now, I feel sick deeply, intensely, to the bone, sick. I can't think of you without being so angry, how were you so selfish, we could have helped you through it. You had so many people who would have helped you through it. I don't understand any of it.  You took a piece of all of us away when you left. You chose to leave it was not your choice to make. It was not your right to take your life. You didn't have the right to decide your time was up. Why did you do it why why did you do that to everyone?! I don't want to be angry with you. I don't I want to take it away. I am numb and angry and confused and sore and hurt and angry at you. 


Why didn't you hold on long enough for one of us to catch you. I cry to this song, these words, every time. It hurts, so so much. God Bless you Raq, always and forever. We will spend everyday for the rest of our lives missing you. You were too much for this world, she couldn't handle you. I hope you found your peace.

An Instance of this

It is crazy we are coming up to one year. You've been on my mind a lot lately. I want to know how you are, if you are happy, if you are lonely, and I would still like to know why you, you must know by now, why you were taken away and why when you left a lot of people lost a lot of themselves. You had this heart, which was just so big and loving and caring and trustworthy and you just had too much love to give everyone, too much love,  even when you hurt you found it in you to forgive and to love again. You were an inspiration to all who crossed your path, all who you touched, thank you for joining mine for so long and for leaving your footprints on my journey. Your presence is something i miss every single time I think about you. How your smile lit up any room and every one loved having you around because you just made every one so happy without even knowing or trying. I still battle to find the words most times, in fact I have been looking for them for a year and I am still no closer, feels like apart of me is still holding my breathe to wake up.  Seb, you are missed to every one who was blessed to know you.  I will be thinking about you a lot the next few days. Loving you always, you were our own living breathing James Dean, too much for this world she never quite knew what to do with you or how to handle your capacity. She couldn't take you or place you or show you. You showed her. I miss you my boy every day. Watch us all, and keep spreading your love. I could do with some of it now. Thank you for the memories Tamatie and for the smile that's still etched in my thoughts of you. God bless you Sebastien. Here is what I wrote to you a year ago. It still stands. Every. Single. Word.

As the sun rises to bring another day alive
I cant help but feel what I'm feeling inside
And I am so angry you never, you never survived
You were always the one who made people smile
And as the sun hits the ocean i forget life awhile
And I'm taken to a place where there's no today or tomorrow
A place so far away you don't feel any sorrow
A place where your smile move mountains and stars
And every song in my heart is played by your guitar

And then all of a sudden its gets very dark
And the truth and reality hits me so hard.
I feel like someone is squeezing my chest
So hard that it feels like I'm loosing my breath
I shake, my heart races, from this anxiety attack
It's real, your gone, and you're never coming back
Tears fill my eyes every time this occurs
And I search for answers which are all just blurs

Why, oh why, dear God did you take him away
He meant so much to everyone and they all feel this way
He had so much to do and so much to achieve
And he was the guy who epitomized 'Wear your heart on your sleeve'

There are so many feelings so much emotion inside
Anger and hate and confusion with tears cried
You have no idea how many hearts you touched,
How much your brought to each, and everyone of us

But life is a story with a begin and end
And we never quite know whats just around its' bend
No one really knows how long their book lasts
But only that there is an end, and there's a start
Yours was a great, huge, epic story which ran out of words and ended too shorty

Now as life moves on and time creeps by
We'll still think of you and probably still cry
They say that time heals, and it's going to be okay
But I still ask the question "Who are they'?"
They are people who have never lost
Cause we will still miss you at every cost
And I still can't believe, believe that you're gone
It's been over a month and it still feels wrong

But just so you know we'll never forget
All the memories we'll treasure without getting upset
So this is the final, the final goodbye
And every time we think of you we'll look at the sky
And as the wind blows and the sun rises and sets
There's no point being angry no point being upset
Because with the wind at our back and the sun on our face
We all know you've gone to a much better place

So our heads we'll lift and our eyes we'll dry
And we'll all meet again in that place in the sky
But until then we'll love you forever
And we'll think of your spirit and try to endeavor

-Tammy Bell