Heart of my heart

So I am sure everyone at some point has been in a situation or instance in life when you felt something be it happiness or sadness or love or jealousy or rage. You felt an emotion or thoughts so deeply however it seemed impossible to express. Well this if how I felt when I sat back and tried to express, somehow, to my sister on her 21st, just how much she means to me. I scratched my head and tried to figure out what and how to say what I felt in my heart. So here it is, everything I could possibly try and say to her but never found a way of releasing it until I finally put pen to paper. 

You would have been too tiny to ever recall

The day I sat by your side and promised my all

The things I promised you on the day you were born

A list of promises on my life I had sworn

I was the little age of no more than three

when I realised what my reason on earth would be­

You were the most precious thing I’d ever hold in my hands

And I promised the world by you I’d always stand

I promised that with my every single breath

I would be there to protect you until my death

I promised that no one would take you away

And I promised on my life on that special day

That the tiny bundle of joy in my hand I did hold

I would treasure forever more than diamonds or gold

Because no one single person who walked this earth

would ever deserve or understand just what you are worth

because to me, you see, you were my world

The reason I breathed as over my fingers yours curled

And from then I knew, even though you no word you could utter

That our hearts understood what my mouth did mutter

And I promised, as side by side were grew up bigger,

Just me and my baby sister together forever,

That no body could hurt you, just let them try

For it’s always killed me to see my baby sister cry

And as Batman had Robin, and Sonny had Cher

everywhere that you went I was always there

And as Bonnie had Clyde and Adam had Eve

you were made for greatness, in you I always believe

It’s been so many years so many ups and downs

So many tears and laughter confusion and frowns

And when we didn’t agree on one thing or another

I know sometimes you wish that you’d had a brother

But I know that wishing was driven by rage

Because you my world grow better with age

We’ve had our fights and screaming matches

The tantrums, the boys, the kissing catchers

But together we always stood extra tall

Hand in hand, with you as my all

And little sister you lost and your heart did break

I tried to make a deal with God to not let it ache

He said to me that he had to let you learn

that heartache will come before happiness returns

and I said I would do whatever it takes

and I begged him not to let my sisters heart break

And although that time I couldn’t take it away

I was holding your hand every step of the way

So when you’re lonely and lost and feeling confused

When you’re hurting and aching and your is heart bruised

I’ll dust off your knees and pick up the pieces

I’ll hold you closer and iron out the creases

I’ll kiss your cheeks and wipe away all your tears

I’ll whisper you secrets to abolish your fears

Because today's your day you turn 21

You’ll be given a key, your life has begun

no mountains too high nor rivers too wide

nothing will happen to you, with me by your side

Together we’ll take on mountains and stars

And I’d let you go but I’d never be far

Because now you are old enough to understand

I’ll be close behind but I must let go of your hand

You are the reason I take every breath

and the thing I’ll love most until my death

So I want you to remember every single day

that I’ve promised to be there every step of the way

Love letters

-Tammy Bell

I am not one to celebrate Valentines day it is a load of horse shit if you ask me. I spent the night with my parents. It is their 25th anniversary. 25th! Madness! I got to thinking what happened to 'love'? Like serious, mad, everlasting, till death do us part love? People have changed, society has changed, women are empowered and it is career before a family, don't get me wrong it is great it really is, but love seems to have fucked right off this planet. 


People get married, to get divorced, to get prenups, to get their share. What happened to mad head-over-heals-no-one-else-in-the-world-matters-other-than-your-one love? Women don't care, men pay little respect so every one sleeps around looking for fulfillment, meaning, depth, some people have one night stands more meaningful than some of the relationships out there. Old war time pictures, I think that is the key. I think some of those images hold the extent to what a love could be like. It really is quite dooming. I think- my parents have been together for 31 years, married for 25. It is almost like the whole world should stop and recognize these people, this is Oscar worthy, this commitment, still madly deeply in love. 


My life, what ever I achieve or what ever I do means nothing. I want to die in love, I want my very last thought on this earth to be in love, it is amazing how not having someones's trust breaks a spirit. Tarnishes a soul. But it is also beautiful to see what happens when people let go when you fall together. I want to feel fulfilled and know in the depths of my being I loved to my death, with complexity, because at the end of 'your' day you don't take anything with you. I'd cherish that. I'd like that to my death. Maybe I'm a little romantic. Maybe it's all the true love around me. Maybe it's me going mental. I don't know but I do know that if one man can commit to one woman, and visa versa, for so many years then there is hope yet. A little country for this emotive state. Love me, wholly, because not everything about me is beautiful I have my scars, my discretions, but love all of me my black marks too?! This is why I hate Valentine's Day really gets me thinking.

Birthday Goodness

Yesterday was my Moms birthday. I just want to dedicate a little post to the most amazing woman in my life who has always been behind me pushing me to succeed in what ever it is I desire. I would be nothing without her constant love and support. I love you Mom. And Happy Birthday. You deserve the whole entire world.

What Happened to Us?

What is it about common society that get you thinking you are the only person on this planet sane, or insane, enough to actually be with it here? What is it about time that passes so quickly before you've turned around to glimpse at it it's gone? What happened to romance? Love? true unspeakably silliness that gets you all tongue tied and weak at the knees? I ponder so many of these things. 

Some times I sit on the tube or on a bus and realise that partially I have become one of the blank canvas faced Londoners who think they are the only sane person alive. But what about that drunk or 'crazy' person on the way do they know the true meaning on 'sanity' when a simple hello have a nice day meant enough to someone to make them smile. Now all we do is shuffle over a little read our book stare out the  window turn u the music, when in fact we really want to giggle? Or speak to this person but don't in fear of being placed in the same crazy loony column? Well today I will embark on my journey, my journey that means I will smile at those I think need it, I will laugh when I find something funny and I will walk with my eyes more open. It's all these sorts of things that get me thinking people everyday people men and woman have killed romance I mean a smile from a stranger that put a swagger in your step has become non existent. Women complain men don't have romance men complain women are needy. What has become of those days when words and poetry spoke the language of love in our hearts, were one man loved one woman enough to end his life, not for a year or two or mabye 8 but a lifetime? Where one woman fulfilled his every desire and need? And what happened to the woman to held herself in such high respect that a man had to get to know her make the effort fall in love before falling into bed? One night stands, and technology have taken all this away and replaced it with feminism and woman wanting to be equal to man? So badly that she lost herself on the way, she lost what she valued most and now will spend the rest of every day feeling unfulfilled? Hmmmmm.... I think I am thinking too much into these things ha ha.

Learning

I think sometimes at some point everyone has felt like they want to run and never stop, dissappear, vanish not for ever but for a little while.  But you don't, you can't people need you they rely on you and life needs you no matter how little and insignificant you feel at times. It's a lesson a journey not an outcome you may never find utopia or be at the top of the triangle. You may never make the money you wanted, buy the house you want, but life shuts doors and opens others. Sometimes its a window and you spend so long looking for the door you miss the window but there is always a way, a path. And no matter how old you are or how much experienced you have gained you will never be an A student in life. And that is the great thing that the journey may be long and tedious at times and sore and uncomfortable and disappointing but you never stop learning you get wiser, you never get a second chance at life but you learn you keep learning and growing. 

People are sometimes a let down and confusingly you sometimes hurt the ones you love the most the worse, sometimes you trip 2,3 maybe 4 times but you get up you try again and you learn you learnt. You learnt that next time you fall you can get up you can beat it. You learn that you can't hold everyone up forever and sometimes its okay not be strong enough. Sometimes you need to be held up and its not a sign of weakness its a sign of realness and being human and being able to trust someone to hold you up when you are vulnerable, weak. You grow closer together. You learn to forgive and its not always easy but you learn that you can. You learn that when you love you put your heart on the line and the line may not be very long or strong but the feeling of true love is worth the risk. You learn that risks are necessary to learn and grow. Sometimes you make the same mistakes twice, and some lessons you are taught over because you never got it. You learn that you are no one to play with other peoples heart and that you will, at some point, be heart broken somewhere in life you will be heart broken. In love you will get your heart broken by someone you love a partner, a friend, a family member peoples hearts break in different ways but hurt is hurt and everyone has felt it. Everyone. And I am learning still learning, I have figured out what I want, what is important to me and who I would risk it all to protect love and support.

Delicately Beautiful

So many things in life are delicate. Relationships with people. Nurture them always.